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Mop-Up RAW 9.18.00 By Hyatte Mop-Up RAW "you need something else better to do with your time." Like... write to wrestling writers?
First, naturally, some plugs... this week's And Another Thing deals with Sports Writers and why people with MAJOR insecurity complexes about enjoying wrestling shouldn't care about what they have to say. It's true too... why even bother? Just because Scherer and Isaacs and the like get all offended doesn't mean you should. Read the column and find out why. I should point out that the column originally ran a few months ago at www.realwrestlingshow.com, but... as Widro told me, only 100 people read it. So, I put it here on the great 411... so the FULL 411 audience can check it out, bumping up readership to 200. This week's closer is the return of a game I played over at ScoopThis. The response last time was low... which told me that you are all idiots. I made it easier this time around, so you get a chance to redeem yourselves in my eyes. There's even a little prize for the winner. I know, I know... I'm sure most of you get uneasy when I ask you to use your brain... but Jesus Christ, people... what else do you have to do with yourselves today? I'm trying to give you MORE than a boring recap filled with Patterson jokes and gay anal rape material (or is that redundant?). Moving on... last week I stood by Metallica concerning Napster. Well now... after reading an intelligent explanation from Nathan Ewing (nre7468@ritvax.isc.rit.edu), I have changed my mind on the subject. Nate wrote: "These are the simple facts about Napster. Since Napster and easy music downloads have been around, sales of music have gone up the fastest in history (more than 15%). Napster created a new awareness for music that we never had before, causing people to buy music more than they ever have before. Fact: Metallica became what they are today by encouraging people to copy their music. If it wasn't for the loyal fans sending hundreds of tapes of Metallica's music out all over the country, Metallica would be out on the street begging for lose change in San Franciso. They got all their success from free trade of music, and now that more fans than ever are getting hooked to their music through Napster (or were), they suddenly don't want anyone copying their music. Try asking them what their CD sales were this year, and then ask me whether they get compensated for their music. Fact: Most recording artists are not compensated for their music. When an artist is signed to a label, they are given a bonus up front, which must be paid back to the record company. That bonus must be used for promotions, to pay agents, laywers, and road crew, music videos, and tours. In the end the artist ends up oweing more than they were paid. Out of every CD sale the artist gets maybe 50c of the $16 price. Of that 20% goes to their agent, and 20% goes to the manager. In the end the artist gets almost nothing for their work, and on top of that no longer owns their work. The music company now owns the song, any future songs they release for at least 5 cds worth, their website (now), and most of the merchandise sales except what is sold at concerts. In the end, when all of the expenses are calculated, most artists receive almost nothing for their music, and many end up filing for bankruptcy. The only artists that really make any money are ones that have been around long enough to renegotiate their deal with the record company, or start their own label, like Madonna, and other major heavyweight artists. Guess what. Metallica is one of those. Did I mention the US government is also sueing the Record companies because they colluded to keep the price of CD's artificially high. It costs about $1.50 to make a cd including what the artist gets as a cut. Why do you think CD's are so expensive?" There you go... I cut out some stuff about TLC... but left the main text in just so you can understand the whole picture he was going for. In case you were like me and A: Were sort of interested and B: Didn't really know the deal. The fact is that Artists make most of their money from touring... so CD's are really just advertisements for a tour, really. Thus, if Napster helps SELL CDs... then aren't they helping sell a Tour too? LONG LIVE NAPSTER!!! What? So what if this has nothing to do with wrestling... WHO CARES??? THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS RIDICULOUS SPORT, YOU KNOW!!! GET A FRIGGIN' LIFE!!! F-YOU!! Speaking of needing a life, I have to thank Mike Gustin, Jamie Shephard, Pete Goodrich, some guy who's e-mail addy is cmxusa@impop.bellatlantic.net for sednning me all those Britney Spears pix. I now have an AWESOME Britney VMA collage for my laptop's wallpaper. BIG thanks to John (Sofa) King who ALWAYS sends me the most whacked out pix imaginable... including a pic of the world's biggest anus, which almost made me puke all over my keyboard. HUGE thanks to Andrew Curry, who sent me URL's to the BEST fake phot of a topless Britany that I've ever seen. He also gave me to URL to the REAL photo, so you can see how well done the fake one was.. FAKE: http://findaceleb.com/ppp/britneyspears104.html REAL: http://www.britneyspears.org/pictures/gqjune2000/05.jpg Go and see for yourself. MONSTER thanks to Greg Hazen, who took all my old Scoops Mop-Ups (from my last couple of months, at least) and al my ScoopThis Mop-Ups and BURNED them on a CD for me. That blew my mind. Greg Hazen, until someone one-ups him (is my movie guy still there? I am sick of staring at that "Whatever It Takes" poster on my wall... got anything else?), is the BEST DAMN MOP-UP READER ON THE PLANET!!! Jesus, I was touched. You think anyone is doing this for Scaia's old news reports? Of course not. I don't know how entertaining this all is to you guys, but I know Luke Johnston is loving every minute of it. Okay, I've spoken enough. All the bases covered. Well, I WOULD ask why the F**k some loser from SCOOPS is causing a commotion in the 411 fan forum? I mean, when I was at Scoops, we were the ELITE crew who NEVER went to other sites to get noticed. They came to US! When I was there, Scoops was the most envied, influential, IMPORTANT indy site on the web. Now? Well, now a Scoops writer is coming to 411 for publicity. How the mighty have fallen. If Remy Artiega had just left me alone... it would have never come to this... alas... alas. Oh, and Russo indirectly mentioned me on Nitro Monday. You have to read it in order to see where. Okay, I've said enough NOW... let's get going. RAW IS WAR (or: The last consecutive ratings victory) -WWF: One Leader... One World... and it's biggest star is a BLACK MAN!!!! MY GOD!!! HAS RACIAL PREDJUDICE FINALLY BECOME A THING OF THE PAST?? HAS VINCE MCMAHON SINGLE HANDILY ORCHESTRATED GLOBAL HARMONY??? -Oh... right... Rocky's not black... he's a SAMOAN! Nevermind... don't throw out those white sheets yet, America! -opening theme. If next's week's opener uses a song by Randy Travis called, "She took everything but my Austin 3:16 Shirt"... we are in biiiiig trouble. -Next week, I'd LOVE to see a "Hee Haw" skit where Kurt Angle and 3H face each other in a tight closeup and sing, "WHERE, WHERE ARE YOU TONIGHT? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALOOOOONE? I SEARCHED THE WORLD OVER AND WITH YOU I FOUND TRUE LOVE. YOU PAAAACKED YOUR BAGS AND *PFFFFFTH* YOU WERE GOOOOONE!!" Then they break out laughing... now THAT would rule. -of course, since it was the 70's since I saw Hee Haw.... the rib is that after they sing "YOU PAAAACKED YOUR BAGS AND".. they stick out their tongues and let a rasberry loose. Then, they'd usually giggle like yokels. -ROY CLARK IS GOD!!!!!!!!! -If the "Nashville Network" is now called "The National Network", is it still "America's Country Home"? -Of course, since they are moving to TNN... you can say goodbye to any and ALL Hillbilly gimmicks. No WAY Viacom will allow their Flagship Show to reference the very concept they are trying to get the channel away from now. It's back to the Welfare line for Hillbilly Jim!! -call me crazy but... I don't think Mark Canterbury is coming back! -HEY!!! wanna hear my Rosco P. Coltrane impression? -*ahem* -..... -"GOOYEEYEEGOO... OOOO" -You know... I go over a speedbump too fast and my engine bottoms out... the General Lee lept over the Grand Canyon three times a week for 7 years and not a scratch on the goddam thing. -Fans and fireworks. I start holding my breath... I refuse to breath again until Ross screams about moving on to TNN for the first time... THEY HAVE TWO HOURS TO JAM THIS VITAL PIECE OF NEWS IN OUR MINDS DAMMIT!!!! I HOPE THAT SLOW ASS JUDGE GETS CANCER OF THE PENIS!!!! -*gasp*... okay... had to take a breath. NOW, I'll hold it... *gasp* -Lots of signs... we are told that they are in Chicago, at the "All State Arena"... ahh, Chicago... home of Mancow: Ther Biggest Loser on Radio. The Cheapest, Lamest, UNFUNNIEST, Howard Stern Rip-Off since... since... no, he's the worst. -Chicago... home of Pizza you need a SPOON to eat! -Hey Chicago! I CAN BEAT UP YOUR ENTIRE CITY AND EVERYONE IN IT!!!! -Hey Chicago! CARLTON FISK SPENT MOST OF HIS CAREER THERE... THEN HE RETIRED!!! GUESS WHICH TEAM HE ENTERED THE HALL OF FAME WITH??? THE BOSTON RED SOX!!!! PUDGE SEZ "F-YOU CHI-TOWN!!! I'M COMING HOME!!!" -Chicago... how many people dropped dead from the heat this Summer? -AL CAPONE WAS A BUTT HUMPER!!!!!!!! -Chicago... full of posers and wannabes -Johnny Brandmeyer still around? Oh, he succeeded in the mainstream, didn't he? -Heh... Mancow's a FAILURE too, by the way. -STEVE DAHL TOO!!!!! -suddenly, I'm speaking to maybe... 2 people who are reading. -I'm sorry, I'm currently watching Madonna on 60 Minutes II... every year her two front teeth get wider and wider. Jesus, she thinks she knows EVERYTHING. The world would be a MUCH better place if she ruled it. -commercial for a CBS series featuring Tim Daley screaming, "I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!!"... who at CBS felt that Tim Daley looked like OJ?? -Oh, by the way... I dropped that holding breath gimmick 7 Marks ago. -Ross introduces himself and Jerry Lawler and apologizes to ALL wrestling fans for that pay per view last night... (Gary Coleman... My God). No, THIS Sunday is when the REAL PPV action comes in. -Stephanie McMahon Helmsley comes on out. Ross says that after 17 years, the WWF is ending it's relationship with the USA network. Bitterly, Ross then mumbled that after 17 years, USA now ends it's relationship with a television audience.
-Stephanie knows that she is a "very special woman" and that men have been "vying for her affection all her life!" (well, let's be frank... Pat was just trying to use her to get to Shane!) -Thus ends my ONE PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!! THANK YOU!!! -Next week, I'll try to make it an actual FUNNY joke!!! -Steph said that last November was a pretty big month for her (err... she learned to swallow? She got those implants? Discovered that her "Magic Wand" did more than beat eggs?) -Oh, last November, Austin was hit by a car... Triple H married her... and Kurt Angle debuted. (Wow? Doesn't seem that long ago) -Of course, 10 months later, it's all a big mess. So, Stephanie asked Mick Foley to come on out and end this match between HHH and Angle... because it makes her unhappy... and no one in the building, no one at home, and none of her friends want to see her unhappy... we wouldn't like her when she's unhappy (Yeah... her eyes change colors, her skin turns green, and she suddenly gets horny for half-deaf weight lifters named "Lou") -The crowd chanted "SLUT"... but seeing how this is Chicago, they might have just been talking about their MOMMAS!!!!!! -Instead of Foley, Kurt Angle comes out. He congratulates Stephanie on having the guts to come out there with all these "roughnecks" from Chicago... (yeah, bobbing their heads up and down while blowing some pecker all the time really does roughen up those neck tendons)... instead of staying at home and watching the Olympics.. which, of course, he segued into a reference for his own achievements. -The crowd chanted "ASSHOLE"... but seeing how this is Chicago, they might have just been talking about where they like to get F-ED!!!!!!! -Kurt said that he HAS to fight HHH... because ever since he debuted at last year's Survivor Series (after assuring us that he had nothing to do with Austin's assault), he knew that HHH was a bad guy. -To prove it, he had something special for Stephanie to watch... and if it didn't convince her that ... whatever... then Angle will walk out of the WWF like the Chicago Bears last night... a humble, defeated loser. (HAW!!! THE BEARS HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THEY LET GO OF JIM MCMAHON!!!! JIM MCMAHON RULED!!!!!!) -Angle had the backstage play footage of all the acts of evilness HHH has done lately. Maybe he should have hit Stephanie a few more times? They played that elbow shot waaaay too much. -And there is no WAY Hunter and Trish could have gotten so close together on that Doggy Style shot without SOME sort of "contact"... -wow... nothing but a husband hitting his wife hard... throw in a shot of a 11 year old in the corner wearing a "BJ and the Bear" shirt with a bleeding ass and you have just about every home movie I've ever been in. -The video ended. Kurt told Steph that it proves just how bad HHH is... but if Stephanie REALLY wants Angle to bow out of the match, then she can just say the word and he'll quietly pack up and leave the company. -Before she could say anything... -out comes HHH.... he enters the ring. Steph purposely moves between them, and also purposely swings around so that she is FACING the camera... instead of giving us an eyeful of that fat arse. It's a trick that Mike Tyson could never get the hang of. -Hunter has a mic and asks Kurt if he thinks he is an idiot. ("he" referring to Kurt and "he" referring to Hunter... respectively) -Did Kurt REALLY think he could get away with producing that little package behind his back? (then made a cheap reference to Kurt's "little package"... oy... have we gone so low as to now resort to DICK JOKES??? What's next? HOMO MATERIAL?) -PATTERSON'S A FAG!!!!!!!!!! -HHH has come up with a little video of his OWN... helped in part by NBC's "Dick Ebersol" (The man who thought Anthony Michael Hall could save Saturday Night Live) to arrange a little video of his own! -But, as HHH watched the video, he couldn't help but wonder if he was "wrong" about Kurt Angle... and maybe this was just a great, big, misunderstanding. -See, HHH sees Kurt... a 30 year old... prime of his life... physical specimen... and sees a legit STUD! (well, that's me too!! WHY AIN'T I GETTING ANY??? WHY AM I ALONE???) -Oh... right... I have a girlfriend... I seem to have found the one girl on the planet who has a 6 week period. Plus, my backup hole is 2000 miles away... AND collected all those Backstreet Boys "Burger King" CDs on the first day. -Then HHH looks at Stephanie... a complete beauty... the face of an angel... the hair, the body... she is the Total Package (when did SHE bodyslam Yokozuna?)... maybe even the "Perfect Woman"! (Hang on!! I have to write this all down... you know how many 17 year old chicks EAT this shit UP?) Yet, Kurt stands there and tells her every week... "I just want to be your friend" -HHH wondered what sort of GUY would just want to be FRIENDS with a Hot woman? (GOOD question... who would want to be friends with these idiots? They're dumb... they're completely taken with themselves... EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM THEY'VE EVER HAD is overdramatized... all they do is either bitch about something, or brag about how tough their life was and how they overcame EVERYTHING and slayed the prsonal dragons of their life. Plus, they actually think they are SMART... Yeah... you're 25 years old... you have a kid... you're a real GENIUS!!) -My advice... take the Hot chick... hit her over the head with a log a few times.... THEN F-her and blow a load all over her precious face... then let your friends take turns. Then tattoo "I Like Penis" across her forehead and dump her off at her Father's front yard. That'll teach her for being so high and mighty!!! THAT'LL KNOCK HER OFF HER HIGH HORSE!!!! -Anyway, HHH is starting to think that maybe Kurt is gay... and that he really just wants to go buy drapes with Steph. It's okay... it's the 21st century... Alternative Lifestyles are Okay in this Day and Age... (this coming from a man who mated with farm animals? No, I don't mean Chyna) -HHH accused Kurt of shooting HIM looks too. -Then HHH had Kevin Dunn roll the tape... which showed Kurt at the Olympics, grappling with someone... at one point, Kurt was sitting up and his opponent had his face in Kurt's belly. HHH called it an "interesting position" -We see Kurt hugging the Referee and crying after winning. HHH said that it was okay for men to cry... it doesn't make Kurt a... "sissy".. (Oh thank GOD!!... I cry all the time... my life... oh God... I hate my life... I wish I was dead...) -We see Kurt standing up to the Gold Podium at the Ceremony... still crying... HHH played with that. (Jeeze... the WWF must have had some work done on Angle... he looks a lot different) -HHH understood that it was an emotional moment for Kurt back then... but maybe it was time for Kurt to "open the closet door and..." -Out comes PAT PATTERSON!!!! IN A CHEERLEADERS OUTFIT!!! He was chanting, "KURT, KURT... HE'S A QUEEN... I HAVE A MEDAL FOR HIM... AS SOON AS HE COMES CLEAN!!!" -Oh... just one more... why not? -No, Mick Foley came out... Sherer thinks that maybe Mick will go heel on Sunday... why? He ain't wrestling anymore! What would be the point? Turn AUSTIN heel... THEN you're talking. -Mick said that NOBODY has more respect for Kurt's amateur career than he does... but just for the Hell of it, let's run that crying footage again. -They did, Mick and HHH both goofed on it... (WHAT??? THEY ARE MORTAL ENEMIES!!! HOW DARE WE SEE THEM GET ALL CHUMMY WITH EACH OTHER!!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! ah... get a life, douchebag) -Mick asked someone in the building to get Angle a kleenex. -Mick said that Angle was undoubtedly on the 1996 US Olympic team... but in the year 2000, what team does Angle play for now? -When all was said and done... Mick booked the three of them against T & A & Trish. Yes, it ended just as anti-climatically as this. 20 full minutes... by the way. That's equal to 2 "Dukes of Hazzard" car chases and 5 showings of the Dixie Chicks "Goodbye Earl". -Backstage, The Acolytes jumped the RTC... the RTC left the Acolytes LAID OUT!!! (Must have been the WWF's tribute to Chicago!) -Ross, "THE ACOLYTES ARE HURT BY THE... RIGHT TO CEN..." -commercials. Stackers 2... yes, you too can look like Chyna... amaze your friends with your newly grown vagina! -The Damn Dudleys come out. Lillian Garcia still looks nervous trying to sneak out of the ring when they're in there. -The Right to Censor come out. Big sign that reads "DAVE IS GOD"... bitch better NOT be talking about Scherer. -Well, we got the Flying Headbutt spot... -And the "D-Von... get the tableeeeeee" spot... (yeah, boy... FETCH!! For goodness sake!) -But Val stopped the actual retrieval of the tables by D-Von. I'm sure Oprah would approve -Stevie Superkicked Buh Buh... (according to Ross, looked more like a flying forearm shot to me) and stole a win for his team. The Acolytes ran out and cleaned house. -Backstage, the Rock walked ALL the way from O'Hare to the building. The big question is.. what imbecile wears his sunglasses in the middle of the night? -Ross, "THE ROCK... MAKING HIS LAST APPEARENCE ON USA IS HERE!!!!" (About bloody well TIME the deported the bastard!!! LEARN TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE NEXT TIME, ROCKY!!!!!) -commercials Spot for "Almost Famous"... I almost want to see it... almost. |
-The Rock walked to the ring. Never mind who hit Austin... Rocky wanted to know which one of those pricks in the locker room took his Limo and made him walk across the City to the building?? (Well, Jeeze... Farooq, the Godfather, D-Lo, and D-Von... are the only choices I can see? Unless someone smeared Shoe Polish on their face!)
-Don't doubt for an instant that Rocky is thinking, "F-Austin, this is MY company now!"
-So, Rocky announces that he's "Finally come back to... Chicago!" (Home of OJ's murder weapon!!)
-His beef was that he's pissed at the Undertaker for chokeslamming him last week on Smackdown. He says that he respects the Undertaker, but it's obvious that UT is mad that Rocky's the champ and he isn't...and if UT WANTED a title shot.. all he had to do was ask!
-But, since UT already has his title shot on Sunday... Rocky asked UT to come out... as the American Badass, as the Phenom, as the Lord of Darkness, or as the Lord of Monkey Piss (Just.. for chrissakes... NOT as the Skyscraper... OR as "Mean Mark"... okay?) Either way, come on out so the Rock can whip his candy ass all over Chicago!
-UT walks out... F-The Critics... UT gets a pop no matter WHO he is!
-UT has a mic... "You knowww" (UT ain't no improviser, yo... this will NOT be a shoot) I couldn't help but overhear you in the back say that you respect the Undertaker... well, after looking around to see if DiBiase's running that Fake Me gimmick again... I realized that you were talking about me!"
-See, Rocky SHOULD respect the Undertaker... because when Rocky was still in High School... sitting in the back of his Daddy's car, trying to get something off Mary Jane Rottencrotch... (UT paused and stared out into the crowd... you can practically hear him think, "Shit... so that's what getting the fans laughing sounds like! Next time, I'll wear my spinning bowtie!) I was humping these roads and winning WWF titles! (Wow! I shot a load on a run over Kitty once... but never laid down and tried to fornicate with the pavement!)
-UT asks Rocky where he gets off calling HIM out! Apparently, some people never learn... including the People's Champion! UT told him already not to p(bleep) him off... but on Thursday he went ahead and... and... I WANT SOMEONE TO USE THE F-ING BRAIN AND NOT HAVE ME COME OUT OF AN UP-TEMPO SONG WITH A DEATH DEICATION ABOUT SOMEONE'S GODDAM DOG DYING!!!! Oh... this is ponderous man... ponderous.
-TWO?????
-UT tells Rocky that he may not dress like Satan anymore, but he's still down with the Devil! (actually, Satan wears expensive suits... Satan is ALL about materialism... Hail Satan)
-by the way, I currently have TWO flocks of Born Again Christians praying for me. See, my free spirited thinking doesn't jive with their tightly controlled way of life. Ever talk to one of these losers? All they do is talk about God... every friggin' subject you can think of will inevitably be turned into a Sermon. Personally, I think if I beat the shit out of them, I'll get right into Heaven. God doesn't like them much either, I don't think.
-Mick Foley came out to say that the upcoming PPV will be the MOST IMPORTANT PAY PER VIEW IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!! (What?? I thought "Uncensored 97" hit that?)
-Mick also said that Rocky and UT can fight tonight... if they really want to....
-This brought out Chris Benoit... who stands as much a chance of winning on Sunday than Scott Keith does of selling more than 50 copies of that book.
-Benoit had a mic and said HE should get the title shot tonight... because HE is the World's greatest Technical Wrestler and that's just the way it is!! (You KNOW he just started adding "World" to that because Lance Storm and WCW hijacked the damn thing in front of the world)
-Benoit said that there was NO one in the ring or in the back that can prove him wrong... HE deserves the shot.
-Kane came out... with a mic... and said that HE should get the thing. The man went from using a Kazoo to YELLING... even Lawler wondered how he could speak so well all of the sudden?
-Foley stepped in and said that the Rock is capable of a lot of things... including wearing a shirt like that and getting away with it... (Rocky wore a look that SCREAMED, "Sho Nuff")
-BUT... Rocky was NOT capable of booking matches... that was Mick's job... so he booked Kane and Benoit for tonight... as well as Rock/UT.
-This, of course... led to Benoit and Kane brawling... neither man selling a damn thing... (Benoit will sell a Malenko arm bar for 90 minutes... but with THIS non-worker... BAH!!!)
-Benoit caught Kane from behind with a chair... which settled that brief dispute. meanwhile Rock and UT just looked at each other. a Big Sign flashed that read, "BOB KNIGHT: WWF BOUND!" I'd just like to say that I am GLAD Knight was fired... F-Knight... f-ing guy walked around Indiana like he was some sort of King... like he ruled the Campus. GOOD! I'm glad he was s-canned. I hope that red face of his finally explodes one day. Limp dicked Irishman.
-ANOTHER sing that read, "OJ HIT AUSTIN"... damn, I was all set to drop that line next week. Crud!
-Hugh Hefner said that we will see Chyna in Playboy... DESPITE what her boyfriend thinks! I would have enjoyed a little reference to "Star 80" myself, but oh well.
-Backstage, Chyna tends to a whining Eddie Guererro... who seems to be enjoying laying his head on her breasts. Eddie began to accept the inevitable... then started to cough. He said that something he ate is making him feel queasy, (There are a MYRIAD of lines to use here... choose one and be comfortable with it)
-commercials
-Benoit and Kane NEVER stopped brawling... so they just threw them in the ring and let them go at it.
-Lawler, "Yeah, Kane's a machine... buit if there's anyone who can rage against the machine... it's Chris Benoit!!" (You REALLY see Benoit banging his head to "Bulls on Parade"?)
-Ross, "I have no idea..." and you KNOW he was about to show his age by saying "what are you are talking about, King! Rage against WHAT?" but instead he hyped up Austin's return.
-Benoit dropkicked Kane's leg. Ross said Benoit has to "stick and move... because Kane don't know it's a damn show! Kane thinks it's a damn FIGHT!" Ross then yelled at Kane to finish this sucker up and let's go home!
-Ross pushed the TNN debut, at State College, PA... (oddly enough, home of the most High School Drop-Outs in America... go figure!)
-Benoit hit Kane with the ring bell.. and was promptly disqualified. He then gave off his Flying Headbut. Kane sat up. Benoit stared at him and said, "You wouldn't be related to Goldberg, would you?" Then took off.
-Backstage, T & A were walking. Trich was jacked to get a little bit of the Princess. Albert asked test if Steph ever used protection? Test said, "She better use some, tonight!" (I used to poke holes in my rubbers... plant my seed right in that snatch! Leaving my "scent" so that the dogs won't go near her... you damn skippy! And if she gets knocked up? SEE YA KIDDO!!! GOOD LUCK!)
-Backstage, HHH tells Steph to stay away from Test and Albert. Steph gripes about never getting a re-match. Steph tells HHH to stay away from Kurt Angle... they laugh.
-Kurt shows up. HHH tells him that the Woman's Locker room is down the Hall. Angle tells Steph that he will protect her tonight... then tells HHH to try to go a night without hitting his wife. Hunter tells Angle to try to go a night without hitting on him. BIG laugh from the audience... HUGE. Suddenly, Henny Youngman shows up and says "Take my Wife, PLEASE!" Rim shot... and we are out.
-Angle comes to the ring...
-Hunter comes out with the Wife
-We see Kurt crying again... well, you can tell that he had bridgework done, at least. Those teeth were evened right out.
-WE ARE IN THE LAST HOUR OF THE WWF ON USA... EVER!!!!! Wouldn't it have rocked if they hired Flair and Curt Henning to fight in a "Winner gets a New Contract" Match? Full circle, people... FUUUUULL CIRCLE
-T & A & TS came out. Trish and Steph get all catty with each other... Steph pushes her down. Any lower, and Steph would have bounced off those melons and gone flying.
-It's Test vs Angle!!
-Then Kurt tagged HHH and held Test from behind. HHH goofed on the image. Angle shoved Test down in disgust.
-Ross said that he was SURE Angle was on the straight and narrow... but added, "not that there is anything wrong if he WASN'T!!" Then Ross made a mental note to start wearing surgical masks whenever he talks to Angle backstage... in case Kurt has the AIDS too.
-Ross said Albert had a "great future ahead of him"... he's been saying that for the last 2 years
-Kurt tagged Stephanie by accident. Test was all set and ready. He's gonna get some ass by hook or by crook!
-HHH stuck his nose in... without even leaving the ring apron (HAW!!!)
-as ALL these matches do (it's ALL the same, people... my jokes included) it broke down into a brohaha outside... Test was left alone with Stephanie. Test shoved her back and let Trish give her a Bulldog. Then Test climbed to the top rope. HHH woke up and pushed him off. Test went down. HHH gave him the Pedigree, then rolled his wife on top of him. Steph got the win. They hugged. Kurt ran in and hugged her too. HHH attacked Kurt. They fought. Kurt was thrown out. The night moved ahead...
-commercials
-Footage of what just happened.
-Backstage, Eddie has gone from queasy to I-Got-Drunk-Last-Night-On-Tequila-And-Woke-Up-Naked-In-Patterson's-Bedroom. (THREE!!! COUNT 'EM... THREE!!!! And Bob Berry wants to outlaw Patterson jokes... HA!!!!)
-Chyna told Eddie that he won't fight Rikishi tonight... SHE will.
-commercials
-Tazz came out, wearing a bow tie... (shh... listen carefully... somewhere, you can hear a bald, fat Jew in Philadelphia sobbing)
-Tazz went up to Lillian and asked what her name was... she answered
-He pointed to his nose and ask what that was... she answered
-He opened his hand and asked what was in it... she answered "nothing"
-Tazz said, "That's right, Lillian nose nothing"... then laughed like a madman. (Wow... with jokes like that, he could write for SCOOPS now!)
-Tazz told her to beat it unless she wants to see him pull down his pants and shake it at her. Lillian bailed.
-Tazz was the announcer for the moment... he introduced Chyna... who came out sans vibrator.
-Rikishi came out... Tazz says he weighs "6000 pounds from the waist down" (DUUUUDE!!! I don't care HOW fat that ass is... Rikishi has GOT to be working a MONSTER tube snake!!)
-Tazz stood next to Lawler and ragged on him.
-Eddie stumbled out, wrapped in a blanket. He spit up a little... which they QUICKLY cut away from (They showed an old bat giving birth to a hand but they can't show someone spitting??)
-Chyuna looked at Eddie sweetly... after MONTHS of this, someone FINALLY banged Chyna's head against a wall a few times and said, "DAMMIT, WILL YOU AT LEAST PRETEND TO LIKE THE LITTLE SPIC???"
-Rikishi grabbed Eddie and threw him in the ring... he planted him against the corner and went for his Stinky Face. Chyna paused, then got involved.
-Eddie slipped out of his blanket and maced down Rikishi. He left... Chyna was upset and tried to help 'Kishi. 'Kishi got up and gave her a Sumo Drop. Then he dragged her to the corner and dropped his ass on her (weak.. WEAK sell). No Stinky Face with Chyna... the WWF put so much goddam money into that face to have it wedged up his ass... Hell, one errant fart and the whole thing might cave in!
-Tazz announced that Rikishi is the apparent winner... then laughed like a loon in Lawler's face.
-commercials. I was excited for about 2 seconds by the spot for "Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula"... then saw that Roger Daltry and Peter Weller were in it... I knew it had to be a USA original. Weller's "Robocop" days are loooooong gone... as are Weller's "A, B, C, D, and even E" star power.
-RAW is in Chicago tonight
-Steven William Regal was in the ring... and said that he was to be a Goodwill Ambassador to the American People. He said that he noticed that we Americans do not have time for the finer things in life... most importantly, manners! So, he will teach us proper dining etiquette tonight.
-There was a small, nicely set dining table in the ring. Regal sat down and ran down everything on the table...
-He said that he realizes a great many of us get confused when their are two forks on the table. Regal told us to simply work from the outside in. (HEY!! HE GOT THAT OFF "TITANIC"!!!)
-Regal, "Now this... is a napkin! Now, a napkin is NOT your enemy!" (Unless you used it to masturbate in... then it is the worst enemy in the world until you can get rid of it before Mom finds it!)
-The napkin is to be placed discreetly on the lap... to be used NOT to wipe or smear your face... that's for another orifice... it is to be dabbed on the face gently as..
-That's when Jericho came out. He welcomed us the his show... Regal had that aghast look that makes him so.... goddam.... HIM!
-Jericho told "Steve William" (uh oh... I'm sure Ross didn't care for that)... or "Willie"... to shut the Hell up.
-Jericho said that talking about proper manners was no way to make a spectacular WWF ring debut! (EXCUSE ME!!! Man's Man??? Construction Hat??? IT COULD HAVE WORKED IF GIVEN HALF A CHANCE, DAMMIT!!!) Of course, who knew better about spectactular ring debut's then Y2J? (he's got a point)
-Jericho wanted to spice up Regals' debut with a special "Y2J magic trick" (sorry, but nothing can beat the way they made his big push suddenly disappear! Even David Copperfield is scratching his head and saying, "damn, I'm stumped!")
-Jericho said that he will pull the table linen off the table without breaking anything! Ross said he never saw this in person before. Lawler said he thinks Siegfreid and Roy did this once. Ross snipped, "yeah, they make a lot of things disappear!" (If that's a gay joke... it's one I can't figure out)
-Jericho yanked the cloth away... folding it over the china so that nothing would fly into some Chicagoan's face (and how bad would that have been, really?).
-Jericho said something else, but X-Pac ran out and nailed him with the nunchakus some more. Regal took a walk. X-Pac put the table on Jericho and jumped on it.
-I said it before, I'll say it again...I ain't marking for Regal until he starts calling everyone "sunshine"
-We see why Rocky is mad at UT and the other way around.
-commercials
-In case we forgot... we are seen that Austin really WAS hit by a car. Well, a stuntman was... but that's 'cause Austin's a pussy.
-Tazz introduced Too Cool as, "Coming to the ring, from wherever the Hell they're from... combined weight, 132 pounds... TWO FOOLS!!" (HAW TAZZ RULES!!)
-Ross dropped "fan favorite" in front of "Commissioner Foley"... well, that's it... he's going heel.
-Edge and Christian came out. Tazz admitted that these boys are as funny as Hell. (Where in the Bible does it say that Hell is a hilarious place to be? Come to think of it, there's nothing that says "Heaven" is a barrel of laughs either! You know, my Mother PROMISED me to try to get a message to me about what Heaven's like after she died... lying bitch. Haven't heard from her YET!! She must be too busy blowing the Apostles!)
-During the match, Ross mumbled a half assed thank you to USA for years of Dog Shows and US Opens... scumbags. Then jammed it down out throats that Austin WILL FINALLY make his return.
-Meanwhile, the standard match featured Scotty giving Christian the Worm... Edge tried to square things with a Spear, but Speared Christian instead. Christopher hit the Hip Hop Drop... but... but... oh, this recapping shit sucks. E & C won after Edge used the belt.
-Tazz antagonized Lawler some more until WWF security led him away.
-The main event was next.
-commercials. How funny is Shatner doing those "Priceline.com" spots? Why am I suddenly doing Scherer's horrible "Rhetorical Questions" bit that I KNOW he thinks are hilarious?
-THEN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, DOG... BUST A MOVE!!!!
-WWF New York is ALIVE!!! Consider the irony and absolute CAJONES it took to feature the "Chyna Hot Dog"
-Mick Foley came out and bitched at Gore and GWB for not accepting the "Smackdown Challenge". Oh, and seeing how Gore and Lieberman have SERIOUS issues over the adult content on television and the movies... it really might be in your best interest to go with Bush. He can't be THAT bad.
-Well, Bush hates abortion... but he won't actually DO anything about it... trust me.
-the WWF has registered 80'000 voters. Notice how their numbers jump exactly 20'000 points each week. I smell a rat.
-commercials
-Chris Benoit has joined the announce team... this could be trouble, folks.
-The UT rode out.
-The Rock walked out.
-Let's go...
-UT shoved Rocky against the corner and did his rapid fire punch thing.
-Ross promised us that the fans at Philly for Unforgiven will be "jacked up!" Oh, not as jacked up as they were for BREAK THE BARRIER!!!!!!!! SCOOPS RAN A HOUSE SHOW AND ALL BETS WERE OFF!!!!
-Funny, no "Break the Barrier 2"?
-word has it BTB was a total clusterF**K (I refuse to be like scumwad Scaia and call it a "clusterfrick")... mostly because Remy ran it.
-Rocky clotheslines UT. It spilled outside. UT swatted him around.
-Rocky punched UT in the sack. Benoit, "Is that what he does? Is that what the Rock is aboot?"
-UT got Rocky back inside and gave him a DDT... the ref was down and couldn't make the pin.
-Rocky wakes up with a People's Elbow. The Ref still didn't get up.
-UT with a chokeslam... a slow Ref count let Rocky get his shoulder up.
-Rocky tried the Rock Bottom... UT lifted him up for the "Last Ride" Powerbomb... UT got the pin. The Clean Pin!?!?!? COOL!!!
-UT was busy celebrating/gasping for his life when...
-Kane came out. He and Benoit went to work on UT.
-Rocky recovered. The Faces cleaned house.
-Then Rocky gave UT the Rock Bottom. Ross screamed, "PPV... AUSTIN.... TNN... SUNDAY... SUNDAY... SUNDAY... MY.... HEART... STROKE... SOMEONE... CALL... AMBULANCE... AKK"
-The show ends.
You know... what they should have done was have Vince McMahon come out... or even do a video thing... and explain that RAW is leaving USA and will debut on TNN next week. Maybe he could have even thanked USA for a LOT of years of good business... when Vince speaks, the audience tends to listen. It would have been the best possible way to make sure as much of the audience as possible knew what was happening.
Other than that, good show... very good.
So, either go read the Nitro one and I'll see you there... or it's goodbye until next week. And if it IS goodbye... well screw you, asshole. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WORKED ON THAT NITRO RECAP??? ALL FOR YOU, YOU, YOU!!!!!
Douchebags.
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